Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
