She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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