I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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