Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
