Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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