sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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