He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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