i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
