Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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