just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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