im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
