the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
