I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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