I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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