walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
