I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
