Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
