Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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