Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
