I'm pants shitting drunk right now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
