i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
