So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
