is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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