I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
