So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
