I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
