After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
