You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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