I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
