she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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