he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
