i jhust puked up my retainher.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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