I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
