$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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