Quick, to the slutcave!
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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