ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
