I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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