I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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