My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
