He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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