It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
