the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
