After last night, I could never be a politician.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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