Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
