In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
