I cannot find my penis.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
