At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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