I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
