My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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