Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just want nice things and good sex
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
