I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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