We're like a lot better than the average bears
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
