checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
